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No one expects every day of married life to be overflowing with wedded bliss ― that’s for sure.
So occasionally we need something to keep us laughing during those rough spots. Below, 24 marriage tweets we handpicked for every husband or wife in need of a good LOL.
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1
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 29, 2017 -
2
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 17, 2017 -
3
Friend: Your husband is really great! Where did you meet him?
M: He's a rescue.
— 🐶 Suds o' Bitches 🐶 (@SudsBitches) December 14, 2017 -
4
I’m at my most passive aggressive when I intentionally buy my wife something from Bed Bath & Beyond without using a coupon.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 26, 2017 -
5
Marriage pro tip: When your wife comes home from the store and shows you what she bought, you better make sounds like you're watching fireworks.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2017 -
6
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
— Oaks (@OakHill_) December 16, 2017 -
7
dating: its cute that you dont eat all the chicken off a wing
marriage: there’s like $1.75 worth of chicken left on those bones, meghan
— brent (@murrman5) December 18, 2017 -
8
NEWLYWED HUSBAND: morning honey, I made you coffee and toast
MARRIED 12 YEARS: need anything in the bathroom before I blow it up?
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 23, 2017 -
9
ME: I thought we'd try something new in the bedroom tonight
WIFE: Oh really, I like that
ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let's tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats
— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) December 19, 2017 -
10
my wife and i can’t agree on where to eat so this time we’re going to her favorite restaurant then next time we’ll go to her other favorite restaurant
— Eric Bruno (@ericsshadow) January 3, 2018 -
11
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He's my soulmate.
— Winosaurus Mom 🍷🍾🥂 (@winosaurusmom) December 31, 2017 -
12
78% of marriage is just asking each other “who was that actor in that one movie” until one of you dies
— FunnyFrittata (@SF_incognito) November 18, 2017 -
13
My husband may have his "sudden poop whenever the kids need something", but I've got my "quick last minute errands before we have people over", so it's pretty fair.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) December 31, 2017 -
14
World’s Worst Sounds:
1. Nails on a chalkboard
2. Alarm clock
3. Dentist’s drill
4. That tiny puff of air my husband’s lips make every time he exhales while sleeping
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 3, 2018 -
15
Why is it that things always magically start working the second you tell your husband they’re broken?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 23, 2017 -
16
Get married so that when you’re sick your spouse can complain that they’re probably sicker because everything is always a contest.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 23, 2017 -
17
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) December 14, 2017 -
18
Until I got married I didn't know it was possible to breathe like an asshole
— TVD🇺🇸 (@shopkins776) December 21, 2017 -
19
The best part about marriage is getting in trouble for going to the bathroom when your spouse was thinking about going to the bathroom.
— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) December 23, 2017 -
20
I wish when my wife said, "You're a monster," she meant the cool kind with fangs and muscles and not the me kind who ate all her cheesecake.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 28, 2017 -
21
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 30, 2017 -
22
Protip: Never give a tandem bicycle as an anniversary gift.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) January 3, 2018 -
23
Wife: *lectures me for 10 minutes how my jacket isn't warm enough
Me: Fine, I'll change
Wife: If you want. It's up to you.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 21, 2017 -
24
When you're married, every kiss begins with, "Have you brushed your teeth yet?"
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) July 6, 2017
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