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It’s no secret parents are some of the funniest people on Twitter. Indeed, having kids provides endless comedy fodder.
Andy Richter knows this to be true. Best known as Conan O’Brien’s sidekick, the comedian has a 17-year-old son, William, and 12-year-old daughter, Mercy.
Richter frequently tweets hilarious musings and anecdotes from his adventures in fatherhood. Below, we’ve rounded up some of his funniest and most irreverent parenting tweets from over the years. (Warning for the pearl-clutching sort, he gets a little profane.)
I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 28, 2014
I know that as parent you're supposed to listen to your kids but most of what they say is such horseshit
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 22, 2013
Pretty sure that my deathbed scenario will just be me & my kids taking turns telling each other to get off our phones
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 21, 2017
When my kids and I have a water fight it still takes me at least two full minutes to remember to not ruthlessly dominate
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 26, 2015
Daughter: "In that Xmas song where they say 'mom & dad can hardly wait for school to start again,' do you ever feel that way?"
Me: "Yes."
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 12, 2016
My wife is an excellent mother, & I try to be the best father I can be because fuck her she's not going to beat me at this
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 11, 2014
I cannot stop myself from insulting the shitty you-tube tween star movie my daughter is watching. Other than that, I am a perfect father
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 21, 2016
If you're wondering if you're cut out for parenthood, you need to ask yourself "am I ready to have all my shit fucked with forever?"
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 1, 2017
I think my children have wasted 85% of all their lifetime beverages
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 17, 2014
Can't decide what to call my parenting book. Either "Everyman Father" or "These Fuckin' Kids Should Kiss My Goddamn Feet."
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 4, 2013
Some parenting news from the outlet mall: you CAN just tell your crying toddler to shut up. It doesn't work, but it can be done, apparently
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 11, 2012
Sometimes get impatient w my kids' forgetfulness & then I recall I was in my 30s when I figured out I should get a towel b4 I get in shower
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 12, 2017
Nice thing about living w kids: if you need quick sip of something to take a pill or whatever, always a warm half-drunk bev within 2 steps
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 10, 2015
A parenting discovery I made that I still haven't completely wrapped my head around is that you really don't have to be a dick all the time
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 24, 2012
Best part of Parent Trap is how nobody ever calls the parents who kept twin girls ignorant of each other "selfish monstrous pig people"
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 20, 2014
Playing team sports is a great way for kids to experience getting yelled at outside of the home
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 10, 2015
Had Parent/Teacher conference. Seems the only issue is my daughter's inability to focus, but I had sorta zoned out, so I can't be sure.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 28, 2012
"Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad." - from upstairs, my son the hint-taker
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 24, 2013
Look, just because I have kids doesn't mean I'll compromise my belief that erotic birthday cakes simply taste better
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 1, 2014
My wife & daughter apparently were so inspired by seeing the movie Ladybird yesterday that they are upstairs now improvising a scene based on it
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 20, 2017
Netflix is an absolute bonanza of incredibly shitty knock-off CG-animation children's movies & my daughter has found every one
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 16, 2014
Asking my children to go get something for me is basically asking them to go to another room and forget why they are there
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 22, 2015
"Dad, teamwork never quits!" - my idiot 7yo daughter when I wanted to stop building her stupid puzzle
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 13, 2013
The ad guy who had the idea for the new dad in the Taco Bell ad to indignantly insist that a stranger hold his baby has never had children
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 3, 2016
bored daughter, beaten dad pic.twitter.com/YFIVPLhYFV
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 3, 2013
If my daughter cries in the night & I go to her & say WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT I'M THE ONE WHO'LL BE DEAD IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 21, 2016
Finding out that, while I love my daughter very much, I guess I don't sit-and-watch-her-play-Minecraft love her.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 27, 2016
At my son's school & walked past grp of high school boys & it was like having an Old Spice deodorant stick smeared on my upper lip
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 21, 2015
Cashier, when I said no to my kid re: candy: "I'm bad at telling my kid no"
My daughter:"I ask for so much stuff he's gotta say no sometime"
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 12, 2017
When my wife & daughter discuss packing for camp it's like eavesdropping on a marketplace scene from a Bible movie!
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 7, 2017
At mall. My mom repeatedly panics & asks where my daughter is (she's 10 ft away). Want to yell 7 YEARS & I HAVEN'T LOST HER YET but I don't.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 25, 2013
ADVICE FOR NEW FATHERS: Nobody likes raising kids, so just shut up and pitch in.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 1, 2014
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