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Deciding to spend your life with one person is a rather serious, perhaps even daunting, commitment. But if you and your spouse can find humor in the day to day, you’re much more likely to enjoy the ride.
Below, 32 hilarious tweets about marriage that will make perfect sense if you’re a husband or wife.
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1
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2018 -
2
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018 -
3
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018 -
4
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 29, 2018 -
5
“Where does this go?”
- my husband cleaning
— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018 -
6
Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife.
We’re 7 mins in.
— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 27, 2018 -
7
90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I’ve done something yet.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2018 -
8
If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 27, 2018 -
9
Just once I wish when my wife says “we need to talk” she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.
— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) February 24, 2018 -
10
*Looking for something around the house.
Me: Have you seen it?
Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs.
Me: Ah, thank you.
*Still has no idea where it is.
— Slade’s Situation™ (@Dad_in_Brief) March 9, 2018 -
11
If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 25, 2018 -
12
I hadn’t realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.
— Lord Baconbutt (@Gupton68) April 3, 2018 -
13
Love is letting her charge her phone first.
Marriage is buying a second charger.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018 -
14
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 28, 2018 -
15
What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?
— Denise (@food_shoes_life) March 24, 2018 -
16
Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 23, 2018 -
17
Marriage is just smiling and nodding after you've read the same sentence 12 times because they keep talking in 20 second intervals and OH MY GOD JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND BE QUIET SO I CAN FINISH THIS 3 PARAGRAPH ARTICLE.
— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) March 31, 2018 -
18
The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.
— ☠ How YOU Doin ☠ (@jollyrobber) March 2, 2018 -
19
My wife just replied to my email with “Unsubscribe.”
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2018 -
20
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
— παααααͺα©(s)π (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018 -
21
I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."
— Sir RΓΌb ππ (@chocmoney1974) April 4, 2018 -
22
I describe my husband’s style as “OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?”
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2017 -
23
90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 26, 2018 -
24
“Does this smell ok?” and “Guess when I last washed my hair?” are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.
— Brooke Siegel (@brookejena) March 23, 2018 -
25
Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable
*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018 -
26
Husband: I emptied the toaster crumbs & cleaned the toaster.
Me: Aw!!! I was going to do that today!
— Lorie (@LorieGZ) March 24, 2018 -
27
WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that
ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*
— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018 -
28
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
— Ξ± geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013 -
29
(100 miles from exit)
Wife: You need to get in the right lane.
— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018 -
30
There isn’t a self help book in the world that can prepare you for the disappointment you feel when a random package arrives from Amazon and you find out it’s just the golf balls your husband ordered.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2018 -
31
Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.
— C~ (@aGreeneyedChic) March 25, 2018 -
32
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”
— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) March 16, 2018
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